P.S. – Sale at Prada – I accept gifts at any time of year.

Merry Xmas.
Mrs. W.

During my annual review, it was pointed out to me that I need to work on my public speaking skills. Fine, I’m down with that. It was also pointed out to me that my voice is high and that one way of working on these skills was to speak in a lower tone of voice, which gives me authority and presence.

You may wonder, does Mrs. W have an unusually high voice? Does Mrs. W. sound like a cartoon? Is her voice a hindrance to her ability to perform her job? No, friends. I’m an alto, not a cartoon.

This “criticism” has been pointed out to me and another colleague of similar age and racial background – late 20s/early 30s and white. For the moment, let’s set aside the absurdity of criticizing someone’s voice. This bit of “feedback”, as it is described, was as offensive the first time I heard it as it is now, the difference is that it is being tied to my performance review and my salary increase.

I replied that I found that type of feedback offensive and inappropriate. My voice is the way it is and I will neither change a physical characteristic nor should I be expected to do so. Just like I can’t make myself taller or shorter or older or younger, I can’t change my voice. I added that this type of criticism would never be given to a man or a person of color. I had to explain that a man’s voice is naturally deeper. She conceded that she would “get into trouble” if she said that to a person of color. Precisely my point. If this is not a piece of feedback that can be given to everyone working at this organization, it should not be applied to my performance review. It’s sexist and ageist. She’s gone out of her way to let me know that she thinks I’m too young for pretty much anything. If that’s the case, I don’t understand why she hired me, but I digress.

We argued about this for a solid 10-15 minutes. She didn’t seem to care that she offended a direct report. She also said that she would give this feedback to a man and gave David Sedaris as an example. Basically, she would tell a homosexual man to sound more masculine when speaking and doesn’t see it as a problem. Discrimination folks, the very definition.

I always wondered how the pay gap between men and women happens, now I know. This is how women (at my predominately female non-profit) are evaluated on the work performance, as they compare physically to men. It’s unbelievable.

I should also mention that she said she would write about this criticism carefully so it’s not spelled out. But I want it spelled out. I want her ridiculous comment on paper with her signature on it so there is no confusion about what she means by “vocal delivery”. It’s that or she doesn’t include it my review.

Oh, she also said I should research speech communication texts for tips on how to make my voice sound lower. Patronizing much? Stay tuned for what happens next, it should be interesting.

I’m amazed shoes cost $600, but I love them.  In my fantasy, heels always fit, never cause blisters, and there are no hills or cracks in the sidewalk.  And designers give them to me for free.

Birthday present?

This weekend’s confrontation required a phone call to the police at 1pm on Saturday afternoon.  The yelling had been going on for 15 minutes.  And I mean YELLING like I’ve never heard.  Phrases like, “I gave you an ORDER to clean” and “get the F OUT OF MY HOUSE” .  And then I heard a woman say, “Stop it you’re hurting me.”  That was the last straw and husband called the police.

We were certain this man wasn’t yelling at his wife.  She had left the apartment around 7:30am.  They tend to make grand entrances and exits, it’s hard not to notice their comings and goings.  We suspected he was abusing the nanny (they have 2 little kids) what with the cleaning argument.  And the woman was yelling back in French, so we thought maybe it was a foreign worker, or something. 

The police came and the abuser came out, polite as can be, a real Jekyll and Hyde, and said that he was having an argument but it wasn’t anything serious.  The policeman asked who the woman was.  My neighbor/the abuser replied that it was….his mother!!!!!!  WTF?!?!?!?!

I still feel sick to my stomach about this.  Who treats their parents like that?  As a friend said, he fits the profile of an abuser and is probably abusing everyone in his house, 2 young kids and wife.  I’ve definitely heard scary and questionable things coming from their apartment, but it’s hard to really know what is going on.  We wanted to send the message that people can hear what he is doing, knock it off.  But it’s hard to sleep at night knowing that bad things are probably happening to small children 20 feet away from me.  My impulse is to bang on their door and intervene, but I know that is not a safe or effective solution.  If I hear their kids scream one more time, I’m calling child protective services.

The policeman left a few minutes later and things quieted down a little.  He kept yelling at his mother, but not as loud.  The kids were not in the house to witness his behavior, thank god.  Though I’m now certain they have been on the receiving end of it.  I’m not sure what else to do or say, so I’m going to post some resources about abuse.  If anyone reading this needs help for yourself or a friend, check out the links below.

http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html

http://www.womenshealth.gov/Violence/state/ 

http://www.domesticviolence.org/

I’m a newly married person (10 months and counting) and long before I ever decided to marry my husband, I knew I would not change my name.  I have a name and don’t see the point in changing it.  Unless I’m marrying royalty and get the perks that come along with a sweet title, like Duchess of York, I’m not interested.  I’ve heard the horror stories of dealing with the DMV, credit card companies, social security cards, and oddly, frequent flyer programs.  I have a name, I like it, why go through the hassle?  That said, I understand that women change their names for many different reasons, like children, nicer name, don’t want to hyphenate etc.  I’m in the “do what is right for you, not what people think you should do” camp.  It never occurred to me that not changing my name would also be a hassle.

The “name change” topic has been simmering in my mind for awhile and tends to rear its head when I open my mailbox.  The hassle began before my wedding and I think will continue to be a point of concern, conflict, contention…you name it for me, in-laws, relatives, banks, credit card companies, airlines, and sundry others for years to come.

In the months leading up to my wedding, a kind relative sent husband and I a check made out to Mr. and Mrs. W.  Concerned that we would not be able to cash the check and have to either send it back to the gift-giver or ask them to write a new one, I informed our parents that I would not be changing my name.  So, if friends and relatives wanted to send a check to write it out to either husband and myself.   I doubt that this news made it to any of the extended family because we continue to receive mail and checks made out to Mr. and Mrs. W.  (As a side note, I find it annoying that people send mail to women but don’t actually use their first name, wtf?) I also think this decision confounded my in-laws who still are curious as to why I don’t want to change me name.  When asked, I simply told them that it’s a personal choice and didn’t see why it was an issue for others.  I also think that going against the grain is simply not done in their world.

Now, ten illustrious months into marriage, it annoys me that people, especially businesses, assume that I’ve changed my name.  Allow me to elucidate….Husband and I are traveling to the fair Midwest over Labor Day for two reasons: 1) Attending a friend’s wedding and 2) Interviewing for jobs.  I mentioned our desire to return to our roots in an earlier post and after months of debate we’re either moving to Wisconsin or New York City.  Of course, I booked our flights prior to the interviews being scheduled and now we are trying to fit them in while were are home.  So, husband decided to return to the heartland a few days prior to my arrival.  This required no less than 3 phone calls and several email exchanges with the airline to change his ticket and guess what?  They billed my credit card to my first name and husband’s last name.  Want to know what else?  My credit card company allowed it to be billed under my first name and husband’s last name.  This is annoying on so many levels, I’m not sure where to start.  Additionally, the high school we attended saw our wedding announcement in the paper and is soliciting Mr. & Mrs. W for money.  In the space of 3 days, my credit card company has decided my last name is inconsequential and an educational institution that I attended and my parents gave lots of money to, can’t be bothered to appropriately address a solicitation from a former pupil. 

This is almost worse than family members consistently addressing me as Mrs. W, when they are fully aware of my last name. 

So, I ask you, what’s in a name?  Why all the brouhaha?  Why assume that women in the new millennium automatically take their husband’s name?  Why the catch-22?  

Why don’t men have to deal with this?   Why did I not know about this when I was getting married?

A word of advice for the brides out there –  the name change will haunt you no matter what, so do what works best for you. 

Now, you may wonder, why I post as Mrs. W?  In some small way, I like to have it both ways.

That’s right folks…the Bush Administration strikes again.  And this time they are trying to call contraception abortion and force hospitals receiving federal funding to hire providers who think likewise.  Birth control pills and emergency contraception would likely fall into this category.  So, in the world of George Bush and his sadistic minions, women who are raped do not deserve the right to decide whether or not they should try to prevent pregnancy.  I would like to ask Bush, in his informed medical opinion, if (God forbid) anything happened to his daughters, would he deny them basic medical care?  Deny them the option of emergency contraception?  I shudder to think of the support he would lend.

He wants to deny it to low income women and those most in need.

So, if survivors of rape are not allowed EC or an abortion from their federally funded provider, will George Bush take the children that result?  It seems like a reasonable exhange.  Crawford looks pretty spacious, I’m sure he could accomodate the babies of rapists. 

I wonder what McCain will say.  Shall we place bets?

If there were ever a time for Democrats to hold it together, now would be that time.  Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Barack Obama….I’m counting on you.

P.S.  The first title for this post was “George Bush is a Fucking Idiot”.  Unfortunately, it is my gut reaction whenever he opens his mouth AND there are so many places to take that conversation I felt I had to be more specific.

 I have had numerous alternately infuriating and hilarious things to write about but haven’t had the head space.  At a recent family wedding the deacon, who is also a family member, proclaimed during the mass that the bride should allow unfettered access to her womb and not use birth control.  That’s right.  Unfettered access.  There are so many levels of wrong and funny in this proclamation.  Too many to count.  While I heard this juicy bit of creepy and embarrassing news secondhand, I couldn’t help but feel horrified on behalf of the bride.  That is what people will remember about her wedding ceremony.  I get that Catholics think every woman’s vagina and uterus are their business, but this takes it way too far.  On top of being monumentally creepy and absolutely none of his business, why would he choose a relative’s wedding to push his agenda?  It is beyond the pale of tacky and inappropriate.

Did I mention this particular relative by marriage has 6 kids?  Apparently everyone else should have 6 kids too.  My uterus shut down just thinking about having that many children.  Perhaps I should wear my Planned Parenthood t-shirt at the next family party?  Or talk about how much husband and I love the pill and condoms?  Would that be inappropriate?  Or has he opened the floor to discussions about birth control and sexual health?  Of course he hasn’t, but if he is getting up in front of 600 people and proclaim his beliefs, why can’t I?  Especially since mine are evidence-based and supported by the medical community.  I somehow think it wouldn’t go over too well with the MIL but I would love it.

Thoughts?

The featured purse is in the recent collection.  My purse collection is, sadly, lacking a leopard print travel tote.

I came across this blog and felt the need to cross post.  http://aintnofreelunches.blogspot.com/
As a native Iowan, growing up with tornado drills and taking shelter in a storm is nothing new.  But the reality is that this disaster could have easily touched my family.  My heart goes out to those in Parkersburg, Iowa.