Discrimination
Where to start?
During my annual review, it was pointed out to me that I need to work on my public speaking skills. Fine, I’m down with that. It was also pointed out to me that my voice is high and that one way of working on these skills was to speak in a lower tone of voice, which gives me authority and presence.
You may wonder, does Mrs. W have an unusually high voice? Does Mrs. W. sound like a cartoon? Is her voice a hindrance to her ability to perform her job? No, friends. I’m an alto, not a cartoon.
This “criticism” has been pointed out to me and another colleague of similar age and racial background – late 20s/early 30s and white. For the moment, let’s set aside the absurdity of criticizing someone’s voice. This bit of “feedback”, as it is described, was as offensive the first time I heard it as it is now, the difference is that it is being tied to my performance review and my salary increase.
I replied that I found that type of feedback offensive and inappropriate. My voice is the way it is and I will neither change a physical characteristic nor should I be expected to do so. Just like I can’t make myself taller or shorter or older or younger, I can’t change my voice. I added that this type of criticism would never be given to a man or a person of color. I had to explain that a man’s voice is naturally deeper. She conceded that she would “get into trouble” if she said that to a person of color. Precisely my point. If this is not a piece of feedback that can be given to everyone working at this organization, it should not be applied to my performance review. It’s sexist and ageist. She’s gone out of her way to let me know that she thinks I’m too young for pretty much anything. If that’s the case, I don’t understand why she hired me, but I digress.
We argued about this for a solid 10-15 minutes. She didn’t seem to care that she offended a direct report. She also said that she would give this feedback to a man and gave David Sedaris as an example. Basically, she would tell a homosexual man to sound more masculine when speaking and doesn’t see it as a problem. Discrimination folks, the very definition.
I always wondered how the pay gap between men and women happens, now I know. This is how women (at my predominately female non-profit) are evaluated on the work performance, as they compare physically to men. It’s unbelievable.
I should also mention that she said she would write about this criticism carefully so it’s not spelled out. But I want it spelled out. I want her ridiculous comment on paper with her signature on it so there is no confusion about what she means by “vocal delivery”. It’s that or she doesn’t include it my review.
Oh, she also said I should research speech communication texts for tips on how to make my voice sound lower. Patronizing much? Stay tuned for what happens next, it should be interesting.
Neighbors, Confrontation #3
Husband and I moved apartments last year. We were very excited to be in a quiet neighborhood, away from the college students flooding our building and wreaking havoc at all hours of the day and night. The inhabitants of our “new” building are mostly professionals with young families, aka, all quiet after 10pm. We were ecstatic. However, over the course of the last three weekends, I have had three confrontations with different neighbors. These polite confrontations have ranged from, “please stop pulverizing chickens or coconuts, it’s 11:30pm and we’re trying to sleep” to “please don’t have a dinner party outside of our bedroom window” I should mention that we live in a ground level apartment. I should also mention that our bedroom window faces an alley with parked cars…party on dude.
This weekend’s confrontation required a phone call to the police at 1pm on Saturday afternoon. The yelling had been going on for 15 minutes. And I mean YELLING like I’ve never heard. Phrases like, “I gave you an ORDER to clean” and “get the F OUT OF MY HOUSE” . And then I heard a woman say, “Stop it you’re hurting me.” That was the last straw and husband called the police.
We were certain this man wasn’t yelling at his wife. She had left the apartment around 7:30am. They tend to make grand entrances and exits, it’s hard not to notice their comings and goings. We suspected he was abusing the nanny (they have 2 little kids) what with the cleaning argument. And the woman was yelling back in French, so we thought maybe it was a foreign worker, or something.
The police came and the abuser came out, polite as can be, a real Jekyll and Hyde, and said that he was having an argument but it wasn’t anything serious. The policeman asked who the woman was. My neighbor/the abuser replied that it was….his mother!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!
I still feel sick to my stomach about this. Who treats their parents like that? As a friend said, he fits the profile of an abuser and is probably abusing everyone in his house, 2 young kids and wife. I’ve definitely heard scary and questionable things coming from their apartment, but it’s hard to really know what is going on. We wanted to send the message that people can hear what he is doing, knock it off. But it’s hard to sleep at night knowing that bad things are probably happening to small children 20 feet away from me. My impulse is to bang on their door and intervene, but I know that is not a safe or effective solution. If I hear their kids scream one more time, I’m calling child protective services.
The policeman left a few minutes later and things quieted down a little. He kept yelling at his mother, but not as loud. The kids were not in the house to witness his behavior, thank god. Though I’m now certain they have been on the receiving end of it. I’m not sure what else to do or say, so I’m going to post some resources about abuse. If anyone reading this needs help for yourself or a friend, check out the links below.
http://feminist.org/911/crisis.html
Catholics, contraception, and creepy relatives
Well…where to start? I must first acknowledge breaking a cardinal rule (or so I’m told) of blogging, and that is for my absence from writing in weeks. I have heard that to maintain an engaging or well-read blog, one must blog on a regular basis i.e. hourly, daily, weekly, etc. I have no interesting reason for not blogging, other than I haven’t felt like it. Not very interesting at all.
I have had numerous alternately infuriating and hilarious things to write about but haven’t had the head space. At a recent family wedding the deacon, who is also a family member, proclaimed during the mass that the bride should allow unfettered access to her womb and not use birth control. That’s right. Unfettered access. There are so many levels of wrong and funny in this proclamation. Too many to count. While I heard this juicy bit of creepy and embarrassing news secondhand, I couldn’t help but feel horrified on behalf of the bride. That is what people will remember about her wedding ceremony. I get that Catholics think every woman’s vagina and uterus are their business, but this takes it way too far. On top of being monumentally creepy and absolutely none of his business, why would he choose a relative’s wedding to push his agenda? It is beyond the pale of tacky and inappropriate.
Did I mention this particular relative by marriage has 6 kids? Apparently everyone else should have 6 kids too. My uterus shut down just thinking about having that many children. Perhaps I should wear my Planned Parenthood t-shirt at the next family party? Or talk about how much husband and I love the pill and condoms? Would that be inappropriate? Or has he opened the floor to discussions about birth control and sexual health? Of course he hasn’t, but if he is getting up in front of 600 people and proclaim his beliefs, why can’t I? Especially since mine are evidence-based and supported by the medical community. I somehow think it wouldn’t go over too well with the MIL but I would love it.
Thoughts?
